June 17, 2015

Trick Move is a Dick Move

"Women do not want to be tricked into having sex!" - Linda Belcher

So I was watching Bob's Burgers a while ago (after romantic activities with my boyfriend sweetly laying across my lap) when I came across Linda Belcher uttering the most beautifully feminist statement I've ever seen in an animated comedy. 

"Women do not want to be tricked into having sex!"

"YES!" I shouted, so loud that I may or may not have startled my lounging lover, though I certainly jostled him quite a bit.

But I couldn't help myself, because it is so true! We do NOT want to be tricked into having sex - nor does anyone. The very idea that one person would deliberately deceive another to get them to undress and get physically intimate with them is horrifying. 

And yet it happens. In fact, if you Google it (and unfortunately, when you do, you'll see that there is much more material out there to help men trick women into having sex with them) you will see that people are so comfortable with the idea of into tricking people into sex that they're practically writing How-To's. 

To be clear, as adults we are all 100% responsible for our actions and our decisions. Having sex with one outcome in mind and not getting the outcome you hoped for after the fact is not the same thing as being tricked into sex. i.e.: If you slept with someone thinking it meant you were now a couple, or that you would now start seriously dating, but they had a different more casual view, this does not mean you were tricked. 

What I'm talking about here is clear and deliberate sex fraud. (Yeah, I just made that up...so let's run with it!) 

Sex Fraud: When a person intentionally misrepresents themselves and/or their circumstances to get someone to have sex with them. 

So when I talk about sex fraud, I'm talking about going on dates with someone for three weeks expressing your serious interest and talking about the future, and not mentioning that you actually live in a far away state and are just visiting some friends for the month. I'm talking about not mentioning your significant other to the person you're cozying up to at the bar. I'm talking about lying about significant information, like your job, or even people you may know in common (maybe you know they used to date a friend of yours but you're worried they wouldn't get involved with you if they knew). I'm even talking about the simplest of lies - the old, "I'll call you." 

When it comes to sex, for some reason lies from little to huge are considered fair game, and it is each individuals sole responsibility to be their own PI's. Sex Fraud isn't taken nearly as seriously as other types of fraud, such as credit card fraud, which is ridiculous because if you steal my credit card I can freeze it and order a new one. I can't order a new vagina. I suppose I could freeze it but...

Yeah. That would suck. 

Sex is significant, and whether or not you as an individual hold the same ideals and values about sex as others, you still need to respect the possibility that the person you could potentially get involved with could face serious consequences after sex and give them an opportunity to consent

We've heard this word before, right? Consent. As in not rape. As in, the person you're having sex with wants to have sex with you!

Consent is usually pretty explicit but there are times when a person quite simply cannot consent to sexual activity.

Here are some helpful examples:

- A person who is unconscious cannot consent to sex.

- A person that is so heavily under the influence of drugs or alcohol that they cannot responsibly participate in their own reality (i.e.: can't walk, can't talk, can't tell you who is President or starts giving you their email when you ask for their address) cannot consent to sex.

- A person who does not have all the information, or does not have the accurate information about the situation they are to participate in cannot consent to sex.

When you lie or otherwise deceive someone to get them to have sex with you, you have taken away their ability to consent, as the situation they think they're consenting to is not the real situation. 

Disagree? Let's talk about credit card fraud for a second...

You be Bob. Let's say you're Bob, and you're home, and you're broke. Sorry, Bob. You need money, and you need it fast. So you go online and take a screenshot of the Chase bank logo, and slap it onto an email that you send to me later that day. In the email, you tell me that I need to confirm my password, lest my account befall some terrible fate. Your hope is that I will receive the email, send you my password, and that you will magically gain access to my funds to go snowboarding or whatever it is you want to do with my money. 

(By the way never respond to those emails with your information. Always go to the legitimate site. And Bob, if you're out there - stop!)

As Bob, you know you're doing something wrong, because you've lied. And you know that you lied because there was no way you could have gotten what you wanted otherwise. NO WAY! You know damn well that if your email, sans that Chase logo, had said, "Hey pretty lady. I'm Bob and I'm broke. Can you spare $6,578.23?" you would have gotten a horrified "NO!"

Similarly, if you are the person pretending not to have a spouse; if you are the person pretending they are a townie when you're really from another country; if you are the person pretending this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship when you're a one-night-only kind of person - you are just as bad as Bob. And even if you won't admit it upfront, deep down you know you're wrong, because if you really believed the person you're lying to would have sex with you if they knew the truth, you'd feel no need to lie. 

There are lots of sexy people walking around this world, and we're all in different places in our lives, looking for different things. Probably the most annoying thing when you're a victim of sex fraud is that the person deceiving you could have gotten what they wanted from someone else without lying. Or worse, you do want the same thing that they do, the same one night stand, fling or affair,  but because they lied now you can't continue things with them out of respect for yourself. 

Want casual sex? Go get it! Want to have an affair? Go have it! (In France. Just kidding...) But whatever you do, be awesome about it, and do it honestly. 

Otherwise you're just a big old Bob. 

x's and many o's,


(No Bobs were physically harmed during the writing of this post.)


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