February 21, 2014

Faking It - Part 1

You're not doing anyone any favors - least of all, yourself.

Disclaimer: Though what I'm about to say is entirely fictional, I ask you, for a moment, to suspend your disbelief. 

I have a problem. I am currently extremely unhappy with my living situation. Allow me to explain...

I have a dog. My dog has never been house trained. I've had him for three years, but he still pees and poops in the house, often right in the middle of the kitchen floor, which appears to be his favorite spot. I love my dog though, you see, so when he does this, I typically just give him a biscuit. He loves his treats, so once he's got the biscuit he runs off into another room of the house, at which point I clean up the mess.

I also have a child. My child is three. She likes to color, but she's bored with paper, so when she colors she opts for the white, living room walls. I don't want to discourage her artistic potential, so I tell her there's a magic wall fairy that comes at night and erases the walls so that she can start fresh. At first the coloring only happened once in a while, but now it's happening every night, probably because she's trying to catch the fairy in action. The only fairy in the house of course, is me. I repaint the living room while she's asleep, after I'm done cleaning up after the dog.

And if all that isn't enough, the house is falling apart.

Because, you see, I have this carpenter...

I hired him off of the internet, and he charged a lot of money, so I assumed he had some experience and would be a good value. Unfortunately no matter what needs fixing in the house, after he leaves it always seems to be worse. I don't want to make him feel as though he's doing a bad job, though, so once he leaves I get on YouTube and I figure out how to fix the problems myself. Each time he returns to work on something new he sees the things I've repaired myself and becomes more and more confident in his fixing abilities. Unfortunately, I'm the only handyman around the house right now. And a painter. And a dog poop picker upper.

And scene.

I'm going to go ahead and assume that you are all reasonable people out there reading this. So given that, I'm sure when you read this you weren't thinking I should put down the dog, give the child up for adoption or...well maybe I should fire the handyman but bottom line - I'm sure you didn't find the parties in my examples to blame for my unhappiness. That is because with every example I gave, I also illustrated behavior on my part that not only perpetuated my unhappy situations, but had the potential to make them worse.

You all blamed me for my misfortunes, right? Right!



I ask all of you, because I genuinely do NOT understand...

For anyone who has arrived late, by faking it I mean making all the moves and sounds to give the impression that you had an orgasm when, in fact, you did not. 

We can talk about the fact that to fake it means that you're lying, and that lying is wrong. But this isn't really about morality, is it? This is about results!

And in terms of results (excuse the pun but) - you aren't getting any! 

You are a person who claims they want to lose weight who is eating butter out of the box. You're saying you want to stay dry but you're standing outside in the pouring rain and you're looking for a place to throw your umbrella. You seem to know what you want but you aren't doing anything to get it, in fact, you're doing the opposite

When you fake it, you are telling your partner that the things that he's doing - the things that have you at best mildly aroused, and at worst constructing your shopping list in your head - are working. You are making him believe that the things that do not work for you, do work for you. Therefore, when you fake it, you are not only cheating yourself out of an orgasm this time, but you are potentially cheating yourself out of an orgasm with every sexual experience to come with this parter because, as he's operating off the evidence that you enjoyed his previous tricks he is likely to use them again! 

Nothing frustrates me more than a conversation about an unsatisfactory sexual encounter that ends with faking it, especially in the context of long term relationships. Most people feel comfortable addressing the unacceptable in every day situations. ie: If the dog poops on the kitchen floor; if the child colors on the walls; if your hired handy man causes more harm than good. You nip these things in the bud immediately because you understand the long term consequences of not doing so, and you know you don't desire these consequences. Yet somehow, when it comes to sex...

Still not getting the picture? Let me put it to you this way...

You and your partner have agreed to periodically go on a journey in the car to the promised land. Since then, the two of you have taken this journey together many a time. Somehow though, you have never actually been delivered to the promised land, and he has NO idea. He doesn't know where it is and is secretly relying entirely on you for the location, but you're reluctant to give him any sort of directions at the risk of calling his manhood into question. Truthfully, there is nothing wrong with PULLING OVER and letting your partner know, "Hey, I don't think this is the place."
Instead, this is what is taking place inside the car.
As he begins to veer off course, you do nothing to interrupt, and he keeps driving. You're not even taking the passive approach and remaining quiet in the passenger seat, letting him figure out on his own that the two of you are lost. Instead, what are you doing? You're pointing out the window, bold face lying, saying, "Ooh, this looks familiar," and, "Aah, I remember this spot from last time!" And he believes you. He trusts you. He hears those oohs and aahs and he thinks, "Aha! We're here." Maybe he drives a bit farther into town so the two of you can see all the sights. Or maybe it's just a one stop at the museum kind of day. In any case, eventually he decides it's time to bring it on home, he pulls over, puts the car in park and hops out with a big grin on his face. He imagines that you're happy too, after all, he just took you all the places you said you wanted to go. Unfortunately for you, you were no where near the promised land he thinks he's been driving all over with you.
The best part? The next time you ask to go to the promised land, guess where he's gonna take you?

Go on. Guess...

The main reason I get frustrated when I hear stories like this, is that often the punch line is that the man in the car is a bad driver. When the truth is, he's driving just fine. The woman just isn't giving him the right directions!

Now granted, sometimes there are other reasons for not reaching the promised land, other than bad directions. Sometimes the car isn't up to the task and dies in the middle of the highway (or doesn't even make it out of the driveway). Maybe your driver has some preconceived notions as to how to get you to the promised land - perhaps from watching...shall we say...online driving videos? - and isn't interested in your directions, convinced that he knows best. Maybe he is just a bad driver. (In case you haven't guessed, I'm going to ride this car analogy until the wheels fall off...) Or maybe it comes down to equipment. Perhaps he drives a Smart Car, a Prius, or even a respectable four-door Sedan, but what you really want is a muscle car, like for instance, a Charger, so regardless of the route he takes, the duration of the trip, or his driving style, the ride (ahem) just isn't what you'd like it to be.

All those things can play a part as well, to be fair. But right now, we're going to focus on directions. So going forward, let's assume that your man is an excellent driver, that he isn't selfish and will hear you out if you suggest different directions, that there's enough gas in the car to take you across two states, that the car itself is in good enough condition to last cross country, and that it's a nice, shiny Charger. Hell, let's make it a Cadillac.

At this point he has all the necessary tools to get you where you want to go. You just need to become an honest participant on the journey.

I want to get into alternatives to faking it if you find yourself in a less than ideal situation in bed, but before we get into those things, I think it's extremely important that we first establish and truly commit to the idea that faking it is bad and needs to stop. Period.

Why? I've distilled it down to three main parts. When you fake your orgasms, especially if you fake them regularly:

1. He is not learning to read your body's cues to find out what really gives you pleasure. 
2. You lose confidence in your ability to be pleased.
3. The longer you've been lying, the harder it is to tell the truth.

Let's explore...

1. He is not learning to read your body's cues to find out what really gives you pleasure.
Ideally, sex in a relationship should get better and better. The reason for this is that presumably the longer you've been together, the more you've built up a foundation of honesty and trust. This allows you to share with each other what feels good, what doesn't feel good, what feels great, etc. You begin to understand each other and explore what you know to increase each other's pleasure. You can share your fantasies, push each other's limits a little, surprise each other.
Now obviously this is the ideal and no relationship in or out of bed is going to be perfect, but honesty and trust is completely realistic, and the examples I gave above were examples of growth.
The problem with faking it is that first of all, you don't have that foundation we talked about. There isn't honesty - that's pretty obvious. And there can't be trust, because by faking it, you're proving that you neither trust him nor yourself. You don't trust him to please you, and you don't trust yourself to be pleased. At that point, how can your sexual relations advance? If you've been warming up for the opera when he sucks on your nipples, but in reality you barely have any sensation there, you've got him focused in the wrong place. He's going to try all sorts of tricks that you can barely feel, and you'll be too busy hitting that F above high C to notice that he's making the effort that he is. You might have a real live area on your person that is as sensitive as he thinks your nipples are. Maybe it's the nape of your neck. Maybe a spot on your back. Not that it matters, because he doesn't know that. And you're not going to tell him.
You're too busy singing...

2. You lose confidence in your ability to be pleased.
This is a biggie. A very, very biggie. Even if you are someone who experiences great difficulty getting to orgasm, if you're being honest with your partner, you both will begin to develop an accurate picture of what works for you in bed and what does not. Thus, even on a night where the two of you aren't quite in the zone, you'll know it isn't impossible. The times that you are successful will give you both hints as to what to focus on, and you'll go in with a better idea every time.
But when you're faking it, it's hard to maintain a sense of optimism going into sex. In a way, when you open yourself up to the idea of pretending to be pleased, you've already decided that you aren't going to be. You've given up on both your partner and yourself. The more times you fake it, the less you'll hesitate to do it in the future. This means that giving up on your pleasure is going to get easier and easier. You'll probably start to give up sooner and sooner. And you can say that you still enjoy sex like that in a way. But...
Thing is, to fake an orgasm, you need a certain amount of focus. You need to think about what your body would be doing if you were actually climaxing, and then make your body move like that. You have to make the kind of sounds you would make if you were climaxing, and you have to be careful so as not to moan out of pace with him. You have to dig those nails in real good and make sure to mention something about baby Jesus at the top of your lungs. All this work. All this performance.
At what point are you experiencing the actual sex? At what point are you actually in bed with your parter, looking at him, touching him, feeling him.
The more you fake it, the more you're going to believe that you have to, and even if that's not necessarily true, it may become true just by you believing it.

3. The longer you've been lying, the harder it is to tell the truth. 
Let's say you're a woman who has never had an orgasm and has no idea what to expect or what it should feel like. The closest you've gotten are romance novels, and they always describe waves, so maybe you're expecting seagulls or some sort of precipitation.
Now let's pretend you've had sex with your new partner once, and after 10-15 minutes of trying you finally sang your solo so he would get the message and finish.
Then you found my blog. And you want more. So you have the difficult conversation, and admit that it wasn't quite working but you either didn't want to hurt his feelings or you weren't sure what you did need, so you faked it.
I can imagine that conversation being rough, but being that it was just once, it might blow over, and it might mean the beginning of some honest exploration.
But now let's pretend you've had sex with your boyfriend or husband hundreds of times over the course of a few years. Maybe it isn't that you never come, but the real number is a hell of a lot smaller than he believes it to be. Again, this has been going on for years.
And then you found my blog. And you want more. So you have the difficult conversation, and admit that...
Admit that you've been lying to him for your entire relationship? Admit that most times he thought you were getting off you were putting on Oscar worthy performances? Explain to him that he can't tell the difference, now leaving him questioning every orgasm you have (or pretend to have) from that day forward? Try to explain that even though you're essentially telling him that he hasn't been satisfying you, that it isn't his fault and he shouldn't take it personally?
This is going to be a completely different conversation if you choose to have it, and I'm pretty sure it'll end up being more about your dishonesty than your orgasms. That's a really difficult road to turn back from once you've been walking it for a while. Even a passive aggressive approach where you don't have the actual talk but instead just stop faking it can be damaging, because he'll think that he's suddenly just not pleasing you, which is weird, because he knows he always has before.

Okay. I've given you a lot to think about. Let's give it a couple of days, let it simmer, and then start talking about solutions if you find that you are someone who fakes it on a regular basis.

Feel free to share your thoughts, feelings or experiences in the meantime.

x's and many o's,


More posts like this on Belle Rosada's sex blog O School 
For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Orgasm Control


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