August 10, 2014

How To Approach A Pretty Woman

How to Approach a Pretty Woman...

Without Pissing Her Off

You hear pretty women say they don't want to hear that they're pretty all the time, right? And every time you hear it you smirk, snicker, or roll your eyes because you think it's bullshit. Right?



It depends. Pretty women are still women - scratch that, still people - at the end of the day and still appreciate a little positive reinforcement and affection just like anybody else. From the right source, it can be uplifting when it's offered, and crushing when it's not. People compliment me every day as I walk in and out of work, down the street, through the parking lot, into my lunch spot, our of my lunch spot, as I collect my parking ticket off of my windshield. Every day - even the days that, in my opinion, I look like absolute shit. Sometimes I find myself mentally bracing myself for it, because god forbid I don't smile or say "thank you" as I walk through the onslaught, even though I may have just gotten off of an upsetting phone call, or be running late, or maybe the milk I put in my coffee this morning was sour and I'm just in a crappy mood. I have to be careful, because I'm pretty, and all it takes is walking by one you look amazing without a friendly acknowledgment before you go from that gorgeous woman to that bitch. You can't even have a straight, serious face as an at-rest-default-face because at some point, some wise guy is going to walk by and say, "Smile. You're too beautiful not to smile." You can't even rest your damn face without feedback! You have to smile! Because pretty girls don't have bad days, or bad mornings, or get in bad moods, or have fights with friends or get broken up with. They have perfect lives, therefore if they fail to smile on a given day or occasion it is because they are obviously an unfriendly, stuck up, conceited bitch who doesn't have time to smile at people while she's so busy being pretty.

Yeah, I have sarcasm coming out of my ass today.

Anyway, I remember having a boyfriend who almost never complimented me. Ever. And it broke my heart. "Oh, you know you're gorgeous," he would say, and shrug. "You don't need me to remind you." In a sense he was right. I didn't. I got validation, wanted or unwanted, every single day. But his mistake was thinking I was looking for validation. I wasn't. I was looking for love. From him, and him specifically. Because your boyfriend saying, "Baby, you're beautiful," means something entirely different than some schmuck hanging out of his car at 40 mph yelling, "Hey, beautiful!" - as though you're going to pull a Marty McFly, hop on your skateboard and hover along side the car so the two of you can have a nice little chat. When a stranger or someone I don't have any sort of relationship with compliments me, while it's nice, it's also meaningless, and I could do without it. But from someone I care about...from someone I love?

Of course I want my significant other to tell me how beautiful he finds me. Every day. I want him to say it. Because coming from him, it means something. But it's not something I want to hear from a random guy, or even from a guy I'm just getting to know with the option of dating, because he hasn't become a significant other yet. We are still getting to know each other, and I want the feedback I get form someone I'm getting to know to reflect that he is actually interested in and getting to know me! Not that he's just sittin' there, lookin' at me.

I also prefer when it's more than just a passing thing, otherwise it gets old and starts to mean less and less until, finally, it means nothing. It's like when deep, anticipated kisses turn into quick pecks hello and goodbye, or when a genuine expression of love in sweet, beautiful words turns into a quick "love you" before you get off the phone or before someone runs out the door. I want it to come from a significant person, and when it does, I want it to be special. Special, as in different from the way I hear it all day when he isn't the one saying it. Otherwise it becomes tiresome to listen to. After a while it's as though you're walking down the street and people are waving you down as you're walking saying, "Hey lady, just so you know, the sky is still blue."

I'm not being a bitch and I'm not being ungrateful. I'm sharing a perspective because before I get to the point I think it's important that my point of view be understood. I know I'm beautiful, and I'm grateful for it. Thank you mom and dad and universe. I know it's not an accomplishment or an achievement. Just blind luck. I got lucky. I've also gotten lucky that nothing has changed it ::knock on wood::. Like an injury, or an accident, or whatever. But you have got to understand my side of things. The whistling, the turning of heads, the stares, the comments, the compliments, being approached, being followed, being stalked, being watched for months until a shy guy finally approached, being envied, being hated, being alienated, being included for the wrong reasons, etc. - this all started when I was about 12. This has been going on for over a decade, and seeing as how I'm a healthy woman and my mother is still hot in her 50's, I probably have at least another decade of people overtly reminding me about something that is, for me, an every day reality and no more remarkable than other realities, like the fact that at some point every day I am eventually going to take a shit. After a while it's just a part of life, like anything else. Just a fact.

My looks are neither the best nor most interesting thing about me. I fully expect to be one of those fabulous 80 year olds walking around someday, because my fabulousness is not dependent on my youth. There are other things to me as a person, far more interesting things than the package I come in. The package is just the first thing people notice. It's the surface - fine. But it isn't me. It's just the cover, not the book.

And this is why, when you approach a pretty woman, you do not lead with her looks.

A lot of times guys do it because they're jerks, they don't care, and they're after exactly what it sounds like they're after. But other times it's nice guys. Genuinely good guys who just have no idea what to say or why she isn't responding. So I've decided to share.

Here's why approaching an exceptional beauty and leading with her looks is a big, annoying mistake...

She doesn't want to hear it. She hears it all the time. You know how people get star struck around celebrities and try to play it cool, but end up either fawning all over them, or overtly saying something like, "I don't even notice that you're a celebrity," which, in and of itself, states the exact opposite? That is what you sound like when you approach a pretty women for the first time and bring up her looks! It's trite! It's unoriginal. And it doesn't matter how you do it either - talking about looks is talking about looks. Period. Even if you say, "I'm sure you hear this all the time, but..." Even if you try to downplay the adjective and say, "Hey, you're pretty cute, you know that?" Even if you try reverse psychology and say, "People probably think you're really pretty. I think you're about average, though." Even if you pull a, "I'm around beautiful women all the time," or a "I want you to know that your looks don't intimidate me". Even if you try to justify it with, "So I came over because you're gorgeous. Obviously. I know that sounds bad. But c'mon, I don't know you yet, right? So screw it, I just thought I'd be honest."

And okay, that last one is usually uttered exclusively by jerks, but you get me. Good looking women do not want to hear that they're good looking. Notice something else. 

On the one hand, you're right in assuming that a woman wants to be around a man who makes her feel good. So you think...okay...I'll compliment her. I'll be genuine, heartfelt, set myself apart...

Okay, Buster. You're on the right track. But don't forget - the whole point of a compliment is to either validate or acknowledge something about this person to let them know YOU notice. Something special. Her appearance may be special to you. She may be the most beautiful woman you ever saw. And maybe you didn't just meet her. Maybe you've been watching her at work, with friends, or whatever for weeks, months or even years, and you think she's smart, witty, funny, even a little bitchy, and you love it, and every time you see her she gets more and more beautiful. And you just want to tell her, so she'll see how special she is in your eyes...

But you want to set yourself apart...right? So I'll say it again - notice something ELSE!

Compliment her. Do it. Use phrases like "I love ____ about you," or "I really admire your ____...". Just don't fill in those blanks with the physical. Tell her you notice how determined she is. Independent. Versatile. That she's a loving daughter. A dependable big sister. An amazing friend. That she can write a Pokemon index without using Google. 

She wants to know that you see beyond her looks. And many men try to convince good looking women of this by attacking her self-esteem, trying to convince her that she isn't as pretty as she thinks she is, or thinking that if he's the one person who doesn't fawn over her, it will get her attention. But trying to convince her that the sky isn't blue will get you nowhere when all she has to do is look up. 

My advice? Ignore her looks. Don't play them up, down, or sideways. Just ignore and literally see through them. When you compliment her on her sense of humor you will stand out from the crowd of people telling her what a pretty girl she is. Or maybe it's her athleticism, or the way she chugs beer like a boy, or her love of video games - whatever. Lead with THAT. And once you become significant and you decide to remind her one day that you think she's absolutely gorgeous, she'll appreciate it more than you know. Because you built the foundation necessary to make it matter, and now it isn't superficial and basically the equivalent of "nice ass".

If you have your eye on a bombshell and what to know how to set yourself apart from the crowd, I hope that helped.

If, on the other hand, you're the idiot yelling "work it, baby" while I'm running across my lawn and into my car every morning...?

Save that shit, asshole. I'm not interested.

Especially not before I've had my coffee...


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