July 23, 2014

Why Are You Dating?

Three Reasons Why Serial Dating is a Serious Problem

Do you know what bothers me? Just creeps under my skin and really makes me itch? Besides Mosquitos, I mean...

Men who are not looking for relationships, who are ON DATING SITES! 

It drives me absolutely crazy because it is complete nonsense. And to clarify, I'm not confused. I know there are reasons. I'm just saying - your reasons are bullshit. I mean, granted, you're probably on the dating site because no one has invented a casual sex site that doesn't strikingly resemble an escort service. I get it. Or a passing time website, where people who don't want relationships can meet other people who don't want relationships, but still want to do relationship-like things with someone for an indefinite and yet definitely limited time. Or, maybe some wise guy HAS created said websites...but there are no women on them. Or you didn't like the women there, because even though it's what you're looking for, it puts you off when women are looking for something casual too. How many other men has she been casual with, you think? You don't want that. You want to be special (to someone who you have no intention of letting become special to you - for a limited time, of course). And you didn't want to go out in public and meet women the normal way, hoping that a casual encounter would happen, because that's a lot of work for something that's not guaranteed. Why not just go dynamite fishing on OKCupid or Match or eHarmony, message as many women as possible, who are likely looking for relationships (seeing as how they're on DATING sites!) and see who bites. There's nothing wrong with that...right?

Actually, yeah. There is. I'll tell you exactly what the hell is wrong with that...

1 - You're lying. 
Yes! You are! You KNOW that you are not looking for the same things as the people who are messaging, meeting, buying dinner for, a.k.a. pursuing. You know it. But there isn't a quick, easy, built in social mechanism or network for what you're looking for, so you've joined a dating site, because it's the easiest way you can think of to achieve your goal of meeting a lot of women.
Truth? This is pretty deceitful. I'm not mincing words because if you clicked on the post and read past the first paragraph, you asked for it. This is deceit. You know the only reason these women are responding to you is because you are operating under false advertisement. And just the act of being on a dating site sets false expectations! That's like walking around in a hospital with a stethoscope around your neck and then claiming you don't understand how someone got the "wrong impression", but actually, you're not a doctor.
Stupid, right?

2 - You're leading people on.
Unless you are someone who, on the first or second date, tells the woman you just sat down with that you definitely aren't looking for things to lead to something serious, but you thought she was good looking, interesting, and would like to spend some "uncomplicated" time with her, with the understanding that there will be no obligations, you're leading women on. And that's wrong. And mean. And it means that you're hurting people - whether deliberately or simply by negligence. 
If you take a woman on a first date, then a second, then a third, and things start to progress, you are doing things that people looking for relationships do! Things like kissing. Making plans. Talking about the future. Maybe even sex. But the whole time, you know you're either incapable or unwilling (or both!) to take things past five or six dates. Don't fool yourself. She does not know that. She doesn't know that you are a limited man (and you are) because you aren't behaving like one. You are hoping that she will either settle for what you're willing to give once she figures it out, or that you can enjoy as much of her as possible until she does. All the while knowing (whether you choose to admit it or not) that the only reasons she's still around is because she hasn't figured it out yet.
You're leading her on. And worse than that? Sometimes it's not by negligence. Sosmtimes you know exactly what you're doing because it happened a month ago. And then a month before that, with someone else. So really, you're just being completely selfish.

3 - You're using people and wasting their time.
Why and how you're wasting their time should be obvious, but maybe it's not so allow me to clarify. You are spending time with women, dating women, to whom you have nothing to offer. Your lofty perspective and ego may convince you that being taken to dinner by you, being seen holding hands in public with you, and having sex with you is a privilege that she should cherish and be grateful for, no matter how fleeting. But actually, she wouldn't have sex with you (or even share her body in smaller ways) with someone she didn't want a relationship with. She wouldn't be going out on date nights like Friday and Saturday with someone who didn't consider her relationship material. So you have gotten something from her that, had she known your limitations, would not have been on offer. Meanwhile, she could have been on dates with a man who wasn't limited, did want a relationship, instead of spending the weeks, months or even years she spent with you! She could have been giving her time, energy, feelings, etc. to someone who, unlike you, was ready and willing to share something mutual and actually give something back. She would feel full from the time spent doing those "dating things". Not drained. So yes! You are wasting people's time.

You are also using people. Don't be naive and think that sex is the only thing that you can use people for, so if you have dinner before or after sex it doesn't count. People can be used for anything. Their status. Their money. Their cars. Their friends. Anything. And you use people to give you the illusion that you are not alone, even though you are.

Here is when you know you are using someone - You are engaging in a behavior that usually means something else, but in this case you're only doing it to get  ________.

i.e.: I'm in the car with John Smith, going to the movies. It would appear that we're friends. But actually, I needed a ride to the movies and knew he would take me.

i.e.: I'm on what is obviously a date. The man is very close to me, touching my back, leaning in close, and I am doing all the right things to reciprocate interest. But I'm not interested. In fact, I'm disgusted. I just really wanted to come to this restaurant and couldn't have afforded it on my own.

i.e.: I'm hanging out with a woman several times a week. I'm going to the movies with her, to dinner, shows, holding her hand, kissing her, etc. It would appear that I am in or headed toward a relationship. But actually, there just isn't anything better going on in my life right now and I enjoy the attention.

This is unacceptable! The person taking you to the movies wants to be your friend. If you don't want to be their friend, you have no business accepting things from them as a friend! You are taking advantage. The man taking you to an expensive restaurant believes he is out with someone interested in him, not just the friggin lobster. You are abusing his interest in you and his generosity, not to mention kind of prostituting yourself. Plus, you're taking advantage.

Oh, and Mr. Nothing Serious who is basically going through the motions of a relationship with a woman just because you're - what? Bored?!

Get a hobby! If you're bored, if you're "finding yourself" right now and it's just not the right time to settle down, fine. No one says you have to settle down. But that does not mean you get to have a make-believe, temporary girlfriend in the meantime to avoid boredom or loneliness. You're trying to do a host of things that there's nothing casual about "casually". It doesn't work. All it really means is "I want the benefits of a relationship without the responsibilities of one." Try that on a first date and see if she doesn't climb out the bathroom window while you sit there, twiddling your uncomplicated thumbs.

Seriously. You just want to "meet new people", yada yada? You belong on Meetup.com - not Match.com. Join a book club. Go rock climbing. Go to concerts. Make some new friends! But wining and dining a new woman every four to five weeks is not "meeting new people" - it's serial dating! Also known as dating for sport.

And none of the women you're doing it with deserve it or appreciate it.

Try basketball. Or baseball. Or if you can't play sports because you can't walk up a flight of stairs without almost keeling over and dying - try poker! According to ESPN, that's a sport!

But women? We are not something for you to do on your weekends because you haven't figured out what the hell you want out of life yet. We are people.

So go "find yourself" on your own damn time!


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