July 30, 2014

Orgasm 101



Finding Your Own O

I have a friend who's identity I shall protect by calling her Pocahontas. Pocahontas has been married to her husband, John Smith, for quite a while now. She loves him very much. They have a regular sex life - by regular, I mean that sex happens regularly throughout their lives, not only on birthdays, anniversaries, and national holidays. They are even planning on bringing little crib critters into the mix soon.

Sounds wonderful, yes? And it is. Except for one...tiny...itsy bitsy little thing...

She's never had an orgasm.

Ever.

I don't mean, she's never had an orgasm during sexual intercourse. I don't mean, she's never had an orgasm from her husband. I mean - unless she's orgasmed in her sleep and just didn't realize - that she has never reached the big O. Ever! And she very much would like to get there.

So Pocahontas - this post is for you, boo. ;)

It Starts With You


You do not have to wait until you have met your next lover to start learning about what works for you in bed. You do not have to consult your boyfriend or husband, draw him a diagram or make him a color coded, "x" marks the spot Keynote presentation.

If you already know what your body needs and intercourse is the next frontier? Fine. But if you are in the camp of never having had an orgasm (ever!) and you want my advice as to what to try with your significant other? - My advice is right here:

Kick him out of the room!!!

This is not about him. This is about YOU, and you do not need HIM to find out about YOU. Got it?

Good.

This is about two things: Self awareness, and sexual confidence. Confidence will come with time, and is more about comfort with your partner and with yourself. It is about being honest about what you're feeling (or not quite feeling..) without embarrassment or shame. Once you can have that, you'll have open and honest communication. But you can't have confidence without awareness.

Why not? If you don't know your own body, what makes YOU tick, you've stripped yourself of the ability to have an opinion or be an authority on anything, every time those bedroom doors close. You have no idea if it's you, or if it's him. If a tried and true "move" of his makes you uncomfortable, hurts, or tickles, rather than inspiring the bliss it (supposedly) did for other women, you may doubt yourself and your own body's capabilities. You may think this should make you orgasm, but it doesn't because something is wrong with you. That you're weird. Or broken.

NO!

This is where knowing yourself comes in. I usually have at least one orgasm in the morning, and two to three at night. (No hate mail, please.) In a relationship or not, boyfriend sleeping over or not, I take my O's as regularly as my vitamins, thank you very much. That being said, you'd have to be a hell of a lawyer to convince that some prized technique didn't work on me because I'm wired wrong, or that I should have come, so if I didn't, maybe I just "can't".  I'm not operating under the assumption that my partner somehow knows more about my own pleasure than I do - that's why I can be sure of myself, rather than looking for validation from outside of myself or asking permission to want what I want or feel what I feel.

Because I have no trouble getting to orgasm on my own, because I am VERY aware of what works for me and what doesn't, and because I am confident in my ability to climax - I accept that not everything a man does or tries will please me. It doesn't mean I'm "wrong", it just means I'm not into it. Period. So no one can tell me differently. No one can say, "well all girls like having their nipples pulled on" or "well no other woman has ever complained that I don't go down on her long enough for her to climax", and result in me accepting a situation where I'm not being pleased and blaming myself for being sexually defective.

Confidence allows me to be unfazed by all that judge and jury talk. i.e.: "Well it worked with so-and-so, so the problem must be you." I already know who I am, so sentences that contain the words "all the girls", "the other women", or frankly any plural - because I am one - fly right over my head. As they should. Getting off is not an intellectual process or a majority rules situation, so no judge, jury, or evidence necessary. All that is necessary is an attentive partner.

Sometimes men bring outside information into bed with them. It can come from other women he's been with. It can come from porn. From movies. From books. From things he's heard from other men. They think it is experience. But it's not - every woman is different. We don't all like the same things. It's like bringing a map of Disney World to Six Flags and then wondering why you can't find anything!

That's where the confidence comes in. Once you are sure of yourself, you can have the confidence to encourage him to get his nose out of that silly map, and actually use his five senses to navigate through this theme park. You won't feel silly or confused if he insists that the roller coasters are usually over here. You can tell him that your roller coasters are exactly where they belong, thank you very much. Your layout is not wrong - he just hasn't learned his way around...yet.

But you'll have a hard time taking him on a tour of your theme park if you yourself still can't get around without the map! So learn yourself first. Explore. And try not to think too hard about it and end up limiting what you try to what you think your body should respond to. Just feel...and follow that. This is a primitive function that your body is designed to perform, so the more you dumb it down, the better. Tingly - good. Painful - bad. Itchy - weird. Follow the good. The great. The feelings you don't have words for that make your toes twitch. 

Also? Cut yourself some slack!!! Do not think that taking a while to discover your sexuality has anything to do with you or your ability to enjoy sex. We live in a patriarchal society. Notice that men aren't reading self help books about how to realize their full potential and finally have an orgasm at 38. Ask a man when his first orgasm was. You will be amazed. (Or annoyed.)

But seriously! Men are encouraged to explore their "manhood" from early ages, whereas women are encouraged to remain as ignorant about their sexuality as possible for as long as possible. This is all in a man's best interest. Men want women to be fresh until they get there. Innocent. Untouched. And - yes! - ignorant. Think about it! How can he be bad in bed if you have nothing to compare sex with him to? How can his penis be a little on the small side if it's the only one you've ever seen! A woman's ignorance is how men remain the selectors when it comes to sex. If a woman has too much information, she can use it to make decisions, and god forbid she starts doing that. Then he might actually have to be worth a damn. 

Sorry, all roads lead to feminism for me, but my point - it is not your fault or an indication that you have some underlying, physical defect if you have trouble getting to orgasm or haven't gotten there yet. This is merely a result of a society that doesn't prioritize a woman's pleasure. So...it's time to start prioritizing it yourself!

There now - off you go. Go find out about your body. You can't start asking for what you want before you know what it is, right?

Goodluck...


x's and many O's,

Belle

More posts like this on Belle Rosada's sex blog O School 
For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Orgasm Control

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