July 16, 2014

Code Red for Bad In Bed

10 Warning Signs That Your New Beau Can't "Do The Do" 

I heard it joked about once that people should come with labels conveniently located on their skin, the way every day products are labeled. Ingredients, warnings if it contains nuts or something else that lots of people are allergic to. That some people should even come with a Surgeon General's Warning.

I second that opinion. Dating can be such a jungle sometimes, and wouldn't it be nice if while you were in the thick of it, with your machete, chopping away at all the crap to reveal the real guy, if just a little of that due diligence had already been done for you? Wouldn't it be nice if when he turned his head to signal for a table you saw a little something on his neck that said: May contain bullshit. Those who experience strong allergic reactions to bullshit should steer clear. Or if when he reached across the table to pay the check, there was a little something on his wrist that said: 3 Date Minimum - This man will flake if after three dates, he has not received sex. And you know how your carrier will sometimes send loud, obnoxious alerts to your cell phone if there's a weather crisis? Like a flash flood warning? Wouldn't it be cool if after a respectful kiss at the end of the night, you hopped in your cab and your phone started going off like mad. You checked it, and saw:

Surgeon General's Warning: Dissatisfying sex can cause headaches, frustration, loss of sleep, resentment, excessive drinking, and other symptoms consistent with complete mental breakdowns. To avoid these symptoms please steer clear of men who are chronically bad in bed. You cannot change them.
No matter what you do.
You have been warned.

Yes, yes, I agree. It would be lovely. But when it comes to being bad in bed, I believe there are a few ways that you can tell. This has nothing to do with how much or how little the man is packing, because this isn't equipment related at all. It isn't about experience or compatibility. It isn't even physical. Because when a man is chronically bad in bed it is less about his ability to be an adequate sex partner, and more about his desire to be an adequate sex partner. It is because his goals in the bedroom are about himself, and only himself. Here are a few ways to tell if you are dating that man.

1. The Kiss

Kissing is telling. Maybe not a quick kiss goodnight, or a peck hello, but if kissing turns into making out you can gauge a lot about a person's romantic style. Not sure what I mean? Is he touching your face, caressing your neck, running a finger along the sensitive skin behind your shoulder? Does he seem to be exploring and savoring you? Discovering you? Or...is he kissing you hastily. Briefly. In a get in - get out - get it over with kind of manner? Do the kisses seem more mechanical than meaningful? Go ahead and guess which kisser will likely be a better lover.

2. A Little More Conversation

When people are on the road to intimacy, especially if they (or one of them) are taking their time, eventually it will pop up in conversation. Pay attention to the way that he talks about sex. Where is his focus? Sometimes it's easier to see it in retrospect, but seriously take a look at this because I believe it is telling. When describing his past does he say, "I felt so in sync with my ex. I really understood her body." Does he say, "I like to take my time and observe my partner, so I can figure out what she needs." Or does he say, "I'm a big fan of the trashy lingerie." And things like, "I need someone who can keep things interesting for me in the bedroom." These statements aren't even necessarily about the sex itself. Not the size of the boat, nor the motion of the ocean, nor anything that his partner did or didn't do. But it does reveal his perspective. And if his perspective during sex was all about his own pleasure then, what makes you think it'll be any different with you?

3. Q & A

When you're still in the early stages and merely discussing sex, sometimes there may be a little question and answer session. I personally think this is a nice, safe way to share hopes and expectations or try and figure out whether there is compatibility before actually doing the deed. Here is another opportunity for you to pay attention to his focus! What questions does he ask, and what is he trying to figure out by asking them? Does he ask about how you like to be kissed and touched, or where? Does he ask about your interests in the bedroom? Don't get confused, because sometimes it can seem like he's asking about your interests, when really what he's doing is testing to see if you're open to his interests. Questions like, "So...are you into lingerie..." or, "How do you feel about role play?" or, "Would you ever do anything risky, like sex in public?" - These questions may seem like attempts to probe and find out about you, but questions that are about you will be very open to allow you to reveal whatever it is that appeals to you personally. Questions about your stance about very specific topics are meant to gauge whether or not you will willingly participate in things that he wants to do.
Bottom line: He's not thinking about you - only what he can do with you.

4. Haste Makes Waste

Another sign that your new man may not have any heat between the sheets - Is he rushing? It's one thing to be attracted and to be eager. If you are considering having sex with someone he better be extremely into you. But attraction isn't a good reason for an inability to keep his zipper zipped. Generally when people rush into sex, it isn't for the "just can't resist you" reasons they may use to justify the haste. There's usually some other reason.

1 - He doesn't plan on being around for very long so he's trying to get to the sex part as soon as possible. Think about it - If he's rushing to get you into bed because he knows he doesn't want to have to talk to you, listen, keep up a connection, get invested, allow things to progress and spend increasingly more time with you for much longer than a few weeks to a month - if this is his attitude about you - how do you think he's going to treat you when you're naked? If he can't be bothered out of bed, he won't be bothered in bed either! Everything about your interactions are about him, and the sex will be no different.

2 - He knows something is wrong. He may not admit it to you, or even to himself, but often people rush things subconsciously out of fear that the other person is going to "figure something out" about them. Maybe none of their relationships survive after that first few weeks. Maybe women tend not to stick around after sex, or after the first few sexual encounters (maybe because she gave him the benefit of the doubt the first time?). He may be rushing because deep down, he knows he isn't hooking ladies with his mojo, and he wants to experience sex with you before you figure it out too and leave him high and dry.

5. I Object

The way that a person handles disagreements says a lot about their character, and who a person is in life can often tell you a lot about who they are in bed. The guy that always just seems to remember little quirks and pet peeves of yours? This is the guy who will always remember where and how you like to be touched, what makes you feel uncomfortable, etc. Similarly, people who argue about the little things and do not or cannot seem to take responsibility in life are likely to behave the same way in bed.
So watch out. When that first little disagreement comes up, does he listen? Do the two of you trade ideas and perspectives and eventually reach a mutual resolution? Does he disagree before you've fully explained yourself? Does he say things like, "Oh, c'mon!" or "That's not fair!" - things that don't really offer any perspective other than that he doesn't like to be met with feedback? Do his suggestions on how to resolve things always seem to be about what you need to change?
Six months later this will be the guy that's telling you it's your fault you're not enjoying the sex, and that maybe you should figure out how to enjoy it more. If you tell him you're not confused, you just don't particularly enjoy certain things that he's doing, he'll say, "That's not fair!" and proceed to tell you why you should enjoy them. And then heaven forbid you tell him what would be enjoyable for you - things that he isn't currently doing (like performing oral sex, for example).
Guess what he'll say...

"Oh, c'mon!!!"

6. Buzz Words

If casually discussing sex turns into phone sex or sexting, again, pay attention! To you, and to him. Phone sex is a time for you to share your fantasies. It's also kind of like an improv. For those of you who didn't grow up doing Actor's Studio exercises, there's only one rule of improv - you cannot say no. You cannot contradict the scene that someone else has set up. You go with it.
Where is he trying to go with his scene? What is he trying to steer clear of? Also, watch out for the actions being performed and who is performing them. Unselfish people usually talk about themselves during phone sex in terms of action. i.e.: I would do this to you, I want to do that with you, etc. But selfish people? They will TELL you what you would be doing to them! i.e.: Now you're doing this, now you're doing that.... Sometimes they won't participate in any real way at all, instead blatantly asking, "What would you do to me if you were here?"
Be careful. If you were there, they'd be just as lazy as they are over the phone.
Also, think about how you feel after you've had phone sex with your guy. Satisfied? Excited? Anxious for when the two of you can really be together? Or do you feel uncomfortable? Frustrated? Do you notice after hanging up that your own arousal hasn't been addressed, or are you mulling over something awkward that he said or suggested he'd like you to do? If he leaves you feeling this way over the phone he will likely leave you feeling the same way in person.

7. Foreplay

So here you are, steadily making your way down the path to intimacy, and you've reached the Foreplay stop on the journey. If making out wasn't an indicator of his romantic temperament, foreplay will show you who he is in bed. Trust me - If you don't like what you see here? You need not progress!
It doesn't matter if penetration isn't happening, or if "no sex of any kind" is happening. For all intents and purposes, foreplay is sex. Foreplay is a way that both parties can achieve mutual satisfaction even though sex isn't happening, or, in a situation where you are having sex and you're just warming up, if sex just hasn't happened yet. The way that a person approaches foreplay tells you everything you need to know about who they are as a lover.
An attentive lover will kiss you, touch you, find ways to please you, take their time doing it because they enjoy doing it. When two people are doing this at the same time, there is no push and pull, no discomfort, and they are both happy.
But with a selfish lover...
He isn't touching you or kissing you. He is laying back, watching you, waiting for things to happen because he expects to be kissed and touched. This is the guy who rushes through kissing you for about a minute and then grabs your hand and places it on his erection. This is the guy who not-so-subtly suggests that "maybe you should" go down on him, meanwhile he's barely touched you.
Beware! He has no interest in your pleasure at all! You are just a means to his own end, and once he gets there, he'll think you're both "done".

8. Double Standard

People who are bad in bed tend to have a double standard when it comes to pleasure. They think that the things that please them are "easy" to do, or "not a big deal". Meanwhile the things that will please you are described as "a lot of work" or "serious".
The double standard guy is the guy who makes going down on a woman out to be some death sentence that he needs to mull over for at least six months before he carries it out, but thinks she should go down on him on the third date. This is the guy that expects you to jerk him off throughout an entire season of Lost, because it's obviously no trouble at all, and your biceps could use a little definition anyway, but then makes a confused face when you mention returning the favor. He then reluctantly "attempts" to do so for about five minutes and then poops out, telling you he's tired.
He's not tired. The reason pleasing you is a "big deal" is because he doesn't genuinely want to do anything that doesn't have something in it for him. You almost want to have sex with this guy even though the foreplay is horrible, just so that you can get off!
Don't! Not all sex is good sex, and something tells me this guy doesn't understand the first thing about pleasing a woman. Not with his mouth, hand, or any other appendage.

9. Wait & See

At this point, something intimate or sexual has happened that's got your spidey sense tingling. Your brows have risen, your senses have perked, and it has occurred to you that this guy may not have any idea what he's doing, or that what he's doing simply does not work.
If you try to talk about actually working on the sex with this guy, he may hit you with a "wait and see".
What do I mean by that? He will present you with one or more excuses as to why the sex isn't good...yet.

i.e.: "We're still getting to know each other's bodies."
Never mind the fact that if he was really getting to know you, he'd be open to the conversation.

"Sex is always a little awkward at first. It's something we just have to work on."
First, who died and made him a sex therapist? Second, since when is "working on" sex defined as ignoring your partner's concerns and proceeding to do things the same anyway.

"It takes me a while before I'm comfortable enough to really connect with someone in bed."
Ladies, if he needs time to connect, how about taking your time and not actually physically connecting until that "time" has arrived!

In short, no matter what you say isn't working for you, no matter how long it's been, this guy will always have one or more reasons to justify what's happening, always with the implication that it will get better "later on" when the two of you are in a "different place".
Don't buy it. If you do, your fulfilling sex life will be the equivalent of an asymptote. You will always believe you are approaching it, but you will NEVER get there. There will always be a reason that it can't happen today, or that it's getting put off until tomorrow.
People who genuinely want to make you happy don't just talk about doing it later or give you excuses for why they can't do it today.
They just DO it.

10. "No Complaints"

This is probably my favorite one. Ever heard a guy justify his sexual abilities by saying, "Well, I haven't heard any complaints." Accompanied usually by some shrugging motion.
I can think of some other times in life that people similarly describe their accomplishments...

Q: How'd you do on that test?
A: Well, I didn't fail.

Q: How's everything going at work?
A: Well, I haven't gotten fired.

Q: How's your medical practice going?
A: Well, I haven't been sued for malpractice yet.

You get me?

People who have good things to say about their accomplishments SAY good things! They don't resort to the worst case scenario and boast that it hasn't happened yet! They say, "I aced that test!", "I may be getting a promotion!", or "My patients seem really pleased!" If all a man has to say for himself is that he's never had any complaints, that may be true, but that may mean that no one has ever said anything GOOD about him either!

It may also mean that he HAS heard complaints, but just didn't acknowledge them.

I once noticed that a guy I was seeing had a very one-sided perspective of sex. He didn't seem to grasp that some of the things he wanted held absolutely no interest or enjoyment for me. i.e.: Posing certain ways so he could admire my body, allowing him to "finish" on me. When I said no, he'd become confused. Confused. As in Scooby Doo head motion, and then, "What?! You mean you don't like that?" Funny that when he "finished" on himself he seemed absolutely uncomfortable and even a bit grossed out. Maybe he thinks women have some sort of special nerve endings coating their skin that causes them to get off on the feeling of sticky liquid?
But I digress...
Anyhoo, when I noticed this one sided perspective I asked whether he was a porn watcher. He told me not anymore, but that he used to watch it. I told him that I could tell, because the things he liked seemed to be very one-sided, as in focused only on a man's pleasure.
His response?
"Well, I haven't heard you complaining."

But...I'd JUST complained! The very sentence he was responding to HAD been a complaint.

Which goes to show you, just because a guy says he hasn't heard any complaints doesn't necessarily make it true. If he wanted to be more accurate, he could say, "I haven't listened to any complaints".

So there you have it. Ten things to watch out for, as they may indicate that the guy you're seeing is bad in bed. Remember, these have nothing to do with equipment or experience. A very experienced, very hung man can still be a (very) bad lover. You can work with a guy until the sun explodes or talk until you're blue in the face, but if a man does not have a genuine interest in your pleasure, you can't teach him to be interested. Caring about someone other than themselves is something that people have to feel on their own. You can't argue them into caring.

Remember: Dissatisfying sex can cause headaches, frustration, loss of sleep, resentment, excessive drinking, and other symptoms consistent with complete mental breakdowns. To avoid these symptoms please steer clear of men who are chronically bad in bed. You cannot change them.

No matter what you do.

You have been warned.

x's and many O's,


More posts like this on Belle Rosada's sex blog O School 
For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Sex Tips


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