April 08, 2014

Faking It - Part 3

Constructive Criticism  

Welcome to the final installment of the three part Faking It series of posts, dedicated to inspire those of you who would be growing wooden noses were fairy tale rules in play to start telling the truth about your orgasms. If you haven't already, take a look at Faking It - Part One and Faking It - Part 2 to find out why women usually decide to fake their orgasms, and why you definitely shouldn't if you ever intend to have one.

You'll have to excuse my playful and sometimes sardonic tone, because this isn't about being mean. If you've made a habit of pretending to experience pleasure, that means you aren't really feeling it. And that's unacceptable. You should be experiencing real pleasure if you want it. And I want to help you get it.

I'm a good samaritan that way. 

Now, let's talk about sex...

Acceptance and trust is imperative to achieving sexual pleasure
I'm not talking about accepting and trusting him. You need to accept and trust you!

I've said it before, sometimes men bring outside information into bed with a woman and regard baggage as resources. They mean well. They want to please and impress and sometimes even prove that they aren't still wet behind the ears. They want you to know that they know their way around a woman. Sure. It's just that not all women are the same, and we don't all respond to the same things in the same way. And if that's not enough, between TV, internet, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram (I don't social network enough to go on, but if I did, I'm sure I could...) it is far too easy to spend time finding out what "everybody else" is doing. Which isn't necessarily bad, until you start using what everyone is allegedly doing as your barometer for what you should be doing, or for what is "normal". 

Don't allow outside information - whether it comes from friends, social networks, or even from "him" - to determine what you should like in bed. Let your own body decide. 

We aren't all the same. What makes one woman come like she's never come before could easily make another women laugh hysterically. Pay attention to your body, how it reacts, and what it's reacting to. You may learn something about yourself. Accept whatever it is that you're craving or feeling and trust that it's okay. Don't be embarrassed or discouraged if the "trick" he considers a signature move kind of just...tickles. Don't doubt yourself if you want to ask for something but think it might be weird. 

And while we're on the topic of asking, that's something I want to focus on. I know I've been bashing faking orgasms and I could go on doing so for days. I don't want to be insensitive to the fact that the alternative can be difficult and embarrassing for both parties involved. So okay - what do you do when it isn't working for you?

It's true - sometimes there isn't a nice way to say you aren't enjoying something. I'll go ahead and get personal for a moment. My breasts are one of the least sensitive areas on my body. There are places on my back that elicit more of a response from me when grazed, kissed or touched. I used to feel embarrassed about it because breasts are such a hot zone. It's a sexy place of interest. I feel like if there's a "foreplay focus" field in guy's brains somewhere, "boobs" is the default setting. But when interest is focused there for me? 


I'm honest about it. I'll try to approach it lightly, usually. Maybe make a joke. Even something cheesy, just to take the pressure off. Or something stupid, like how my nipples should get unemployment checks because they aren't working. (::drum drum snare::) My goal is to communicate to my partner that it's not him. He's not doing something wrong - this just isn't something that I'm personally into. I've had success with this tactic in other areas if what was happening wasn't working for me. I communicated it as gently as I could and subtly suggested moving on. Sometimes it meant that he moved on to a different area and we continued as though the feedback had never been delivered. Other times it was motivating. It forced him to really pay attention to my body and try new things and suddenly I found that maybe I could respond in certain areas, depending on how it was approached. 

Still, while speaking up is something you should be able to do if something isn't working, at times I've found that the situation doesn't actually require a full stop. There are ways to intervene so that your partner may not even notice you've given, shall we say, constructive criticism. You may not have gotten a chance to read  Orgasm Control, but one of the quick tips that I suggest there is topping from the bottom.

You know how people say it's not what you say, it's how you say it? This is the epitome of that saying. Many times when women fake orgasms it's about not hurting their partners feelings, which they're sure speaking up and expressing that the foreplay or sex isn't working will result in. But how your partner receives what you have to say depends on how you deliver it.

Basic Principle: Rather than mentioning what isn't working for you, mention what is working. Tell him what you do like in a way that will encourage him to give you more of it.

Remember in Part 1 when we talked about what happens when you fake it? When you encourage the behaviors that you don't like in bed, you can be pretty sure he's going to keep on doing them. Not because he isn't good in bed, but because he's relying on you to know what you like and you aren't giving accurate signals. Topping from the bottom takes this and uses it to work in your favor. Instead of encouraging what you don't like, you're going to encourage what you do like...even if he hasn't quite done it yet. 

Now be careful with this one, because straying too far from what's actually happening can backfire. If he's never given you oral sex and you whisper, "ooh baby, I love it when you go down on me" he may think you're trying to Jedi mind trick him, or that you've confused him with someone else. But once he's in the right area, there's no reason you can't share what you prefer in said area.

Here are some examples from Orgasm Control:

Too fast? Don't tell him to slow down. 
Tell him how you love feeling every inch of him and watch him slow down to keep track.

Not hitting that spot? About to mutter "deeper"? Don't you dare.
Tell him that you love feeling him so deep
How deep? he'll wonder. And the next thing you know, he's in your belly.

Is he too gentle on a night you want it rough?
That's a hard feeling to communicate with words. But who said anything about talking? 
Be as aggressive as you want him to be. Squeeze him, scratch him, bite him. And when he comments on it, dare him to take the control back from you. He'll have to rise to your level and beyond to meet your challenge, and before you know it you'll have the rough night you wanted.

These are just some examples of how you can ask for what you want without making it sound like criticism.

Another idea is to wait until the sex is over for a less charged moment to talk about what you like. Without the pressure of performing in the moment, an open conversation about what pleases you should be easier. It doesn't have to be about what wasn't working the last time. In fact, the last time doesn't have to enter into the conversation at all. You can even sneak it into a playful or seductive conversation about how you like to please yourself. He'll be so into the idea that he may not even realize you're giving him pointers - until it's time for him to use them. 

These aren't the only answers to having a better sex life, but faking it certainly isn't the answer. In case you haven't noticed, I tend to be a little more open and aggressive about my sexuality. Not everyone is, and that's more than okay. You have to develop a comfort level with yourself, not just about what you like but who you are sexually. Develop that sexual identity, own it, and watch your sex life change forever. 

x's and many O's,


More posts like this on Belle Rosada's sex blog O School 
For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Orgasm Control


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