April 13, 2014

Dick Slip

"Oops, I forgot we were dating"  

Disclaimer: The identity of the scumbag that will be mentioned in this post will be protected. Even though he doesn't deserve it. For his protection, we shall call him Duck Hunt. 
(Feel free to pronounce it: duh-cunt)

Despite my true love for "good dick" and all that it does for a lady, this sex blogger is currently single and selective. The reason - not all sex is good. Simple. Without emotional involvement or a very strong sexual connection, I don't feel the need to jump into bed with just any and everyone. First, because it's not always worth it. But more importantly, because I believe that in order to have good sex - sex that blows minds, pushes limits, and gets you to that special place - you need mutual trust and respect.

That said, when I start to date someone new, I take my time. By the third date I hope for kissing, and usually try to stand close enough to tell if the guy I'm hung up on is, in fact, hung. (It's not for everyone, but it's my personal preference.) Still, wanting to know what's under the hood isn't the same as being ready to drive.

Sometimes men aren't happy with this. Especially from someone like me. Someone vocal about sex, who owns her sexuality and doesn't mind if people know that and how I like it. It's as though some men think sex with a woman is their right, and if she dares to utter a word that sparks his interest, or suggest that she wants any kind of physical contact (read: holding hands or a kiss goodnight) than she better be ready to put out or be labeled a tease. A recent experience reminded me of all the reasons why I prefer to wait a little while and let things unfold.

So here I go, sharing it with all of you...

I go to the gym very early on Saturday mornings, not just to work out, but to work. On my way in I always see the same man at the front desk. He'd gotten progressively friendlier over some months, started making small talk, cracking jokes, etc. Then two weeks ago he asked me out as I was signing out. I was open to it. Trusting. He was nice after all. Cute. He asked me out properly - dinner that coming Friday night. He didn't ask me if I wanted to "hang out" or "grab a drink later" or anything that implied, "I'm just hoping something happens causally later after you've had enough alcohol". No. It was proper. And I didn't doubt the sincerity of being asked out, because I was asked out at the gym! Now I know some of you may be cute even at the gym, but I'm a hair in a bun, no makeup at the gym kind of girl. So I was pleasantly surprised. He must really want to get to know me for me, I thought.

In 13 days, we went on three dates. The first was very nice. On the second date I did notice something a little off. He was rushing. He wasn't saying anything offensive, but he was phishing around asking about religion and whether I was conservative (trying to figure out why I hadn't spread my legs yet, I gather). And when he walked me to my car, he went from 2nd date questions to trying to name us an item. As in boyfriend/girlfriend - official. Then, as he asked, he leaned in for a kiss that my body language wasn't inviting.

I cut the kiss of quick, letting it be a peck. I told him I liked him but I was still getting to know him, so I would prefer if we took things slow. Seriously - boyfriend? After two dates? Typically when I have boyfriends I know more about them than what kind of sushi they like and that they're apparently very taken with me.

A third date followed anyway, after he told me that he respected my wishes to proceed slowly. That he liked that I took my time - that I wasn't like other women who allegedly were up for sex by the second or third date (note: his knowledge of this did seem sketchy). But I went for the third date. It was only a date. Why not. And happily, nothing sketchy occurred. He was a perfect gentleman. Not inappropriate. He even indicated several times that he was "off the market" as of seeing me.

Going forward I felt comfortable. We spoke more and more every day. I let myself begin to open up to him emotionally. And then Saturday came. He texted me early in the morning, telling me he couldn't wait to see me and maybe we could do something after work. I was blushing as I walked into the gym, happy with the new man I was seeing. I went up to the elevator and proceeded to work.

And then it happened. A few hours later I was on my way out and heard some giggling at the desk. I could have proceeded onto the elevator, but I stopped and listened. I'm glad I did, because I heard a co-worker telling the receptionist about how embarrassed she was when at 8:30 that morning, the guy at the front desk downstairs had asked her out. She was a thorough storyteller too, so I quickly learned that he'd asked me out with a line he'd apparently been recycling!

At that point I was more amused than I was upset because I knew what would follow. When he tried to sweet talk me on my way out of the building I breezed passed him and went on my merry way. He texted me, "Why the rush? Can we still get together later?"

I responded, "No. And we aren't going to be seeing each other again. You know why."

Let's pause there, because the rest of this post will be about doing the following:

Accepting when someone has done something wrong to you
Maintaining your self-respect
Identifying an asshole

Unfortunately, men don't always have good intentions when they ask you out. Sometimes they have an agenda, and when they do that agenda is often getting you just comfortable enough to have some sex. 

Accepting when someone has done something wrong to you:

I could have denied what happened. There were tons of excuses I could have made for the situation. I could have told myself she must have been talking about someone else - some other guy at the front desk that I've never seen before - because he wouldn't really go and try to date someone who worked with me, all the while making plans with me simultaneously. I could have told myself it was a misunderstanding. That maybe he just wanted to be her friend - he was only dating me (just like he said). I could have rationalized that since I opted out of being "official" there was nothing wrong with him asking another girl out. Even though he would be lying about it. Even though it could have resulted in me and a coworker sleeping with the same man and having no idea. Even talking to each other about him, not knowing we were sharing a "him". 

But I didn't. It did happen. I didn't misunderstand. Denying that would have just left me primed to be disrespected some more. 

I purposely left things "open ended" when I confronted him. I didn't say "you did this" explicitly. Now that he'd given me reason to doubt him, I wanted to know what else I didn't know. So I simply said "you know why" and let him assume as to what I knew about. Turns out it was a lot more than what I actually knew when I sent that text.

Maintaing your self-respect:

It sucks when someone doesn't have good intentions for you. It sucks even more if you had good intentions for them, and liked what you thought you had going on. But if the truth has reared what turned out the be it's ugly head, you have to acknowledge that truth and put your respect for yourself above what you thought you had or what you hoped for (read: the lie). 

You have to actively do that, because even when caught, some men will not give up. Some men will ask for you back, plead, beg you, promise you the world even though they don't mean it, because some women will want to be fooled. They'll want to believe the lie. That it was just a misunderstanding. That he is only dating you. That not official meant you could both still date whoever you wanted, even though that was in direct conflict with other statements of exclusivity. And not always because they've suddenly seen the light and NOW have realized what an amazing woman you are, like they'll claim.

Some men will try to keep you even after you've caught them lying, cheating or otherwise called them out on disrespect, because they just don't care. And the thing is, if you take them back, you're showing them that YOU don't care either. 

It isn't about you. Don't fool yourself into thinking that it's your fault someone tried to deceive you, either after a long period of time or straight out of the gate. They aren't trying it with you because there's something deceivable or mistreatable about you and, seeing this, they chose you. People who do things like that aren't giving you special treatment. In a different situation, with a different person, they would likely be doing it anyway. Someone would eventually either not catch on, or even stick around after they did, telling themselves it wouldn't happen again. 

So don't be lured back into a bullshit situation with promises of "never, never again". He's not saying it because he cares. He's saying it because he thinks he CAN. 

Show him that he can't with you.

Identifying an asshole:

What followed after my open ended confrontation you're wondering? A wall of text messages, about four college length essays, none of which were apologies.

None! What I actually got were four different arguments for why the "misunderstanding" was my fault. 

1. He doesn't see what he did wrong because we aren't "official". I was the one who wanted it that way.
2. Until he knows we're going to become official he needs a Plan B. 
3. We have different ideas about what it means to be "dating" in terms of seeing other people.
4. If I want him to cut off other women [plural] the option of being official is still on the table.

In other words:

"I don't see the problem with attempting to date your coworker behind your back while I'm dating you. We aren't an official couple. If you had agreed to be my girlfriend I wouldn't have had to ask out your coworker, but since you didn't, she's the backup plan. After all, I am a man you know and at the end of the day - somebody needs to have sex with me. I know I've been telling you that I've only been seeing you, but that's not what "dating" means to most people, so I'm not sure why you're confused about the reality that I'm actually still seeing several women right now. If you'd like me to stop, you can still be my girlfriend. My deceiving you and you catching me hasn't made me stop thinking of you as a relationship option, and I'm assuming being my girlfriend is still an attractive option for you given the circumstances."

Needless to say after that declaration, I am still a single girl.

In that moment, with that response, I identified the asshole that he was. He didn't take responsibility for what he did. He didn't apologize. Finally, he actually expected me to accept his behavior and continue dating him in spite of it. 

If I had an asshole stamp I'd print out a picture of him, stamp it, and then scan it back into the computer to make it the blog pic.

Unfortunately I do not have said stamp. Plus, we promised to protect Duck Hunt.

But once again, this is why I like to wait a while before doing my favorite thing with a new person. Do you really think that someone juggling a few women at a time was paying genuine enough attention to really know one? Would my pleasure have come first if we'd eventually slept together? Would he have had the stamina to last for miles and miles after he'd been potentially running his own side marathons? And what about the safety issue? Good luck trying to have an orgasm if you're worrying about what someone could be dragging in off the street with them, and whether it's going to burn through the condom.

Anyway, I'm glad I found out when I did. All it cost me was...well...nothing. He at least pretended to be a gentleman and paid for dinner. Now I can return to my fabulous existence with a full-belly, STD free, and with my self-esteem in tact.

Lastly, I'd like to retroactively dedicate this post to Duck Hunt. Your dick didn't slip anywhere near me, but you did slip up and show me that you were one. 

Respect, ladies. Be careful who you bed.

x's and many O's,



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