March 11, 2014

Faking It - Part 2


Why, why? Oh, why do you lie? 


In the last post, I took a closer look at faking orgasms and effects it can have on sexual pleasure, confidence, and even the foundation of trust you have with your sex partner. 

In this post I'm going to talk about why women choose to fake their orgasms in the first place. 

I've had too many conversations with women about why they fake orgasms. There almost isn't enough space on the internet to talk about all of the reasons, excuses, justifications and so on and so forth. I'll just stick to the ones I hear the most.

You make the choice to fake it, rather than be real about what's happening on your side of a given sexual experience because:

1. You're bored and want to stop, so you fake your orgasm to bring his on.
2. You think you SHOULD be reacting in the way that you're pretending to.
3. You don't want to hurt his feelings.


Let's explore...

1. You're bored and want to stop, so fake your orgasms to bring his on.

My initial response when I hear this?

Yikes.

This is what bothers me about this one. You've pretty much written your partner off as unable to satisfy or even engage you, and quit on the sex altogether.
And yet...you know that your orgasm will help bring his on. Don't you see what that means?! Your pleasure gets him off! He wants to please you. And instead of focusing his ambition and using it to create a pleasurable experience for the both of you, you're just throwing it away!

On the other hand, and no offense, but if that's the level of enthusiasm you've got for sleeping with your partner - why are you sleeping with them? If you're having such a terrible time that you're counting the minutes until it's over, and then taking a more drastic approach when the number you're counting to gets too high, it seems like you don't really want to be having sex in the first place.

No one says you have to in a relationship or madly in love to have sex. But whatever your status, your circumstances, or your reasons, if you're having sex with someone you should want to. You should want to. And if you don't...

Don't.

Save yourself the time. There are far better things you could be doing with your energy than pretending to enjoy something (or someone) you're not even interested in.

2. You think you SHOULD be reacting in the way that you're pretending to.

Books, movies, TV, and I suspect the stories told by many men who can't tell the difference between a real orgasm and a fake one, have confused the hell out of women when it comes to what to expect in bed. You watch almost any sex scene these days, and women are having easy orgasms all over the place. They're climaxing practically upon penetration. They're even climaxing five minutes into losing their virginity (ouch!). It's just ridiculous.

And confusing, because we watch a sex scene where some lady is screaming her head off at the slightest touch, meanwhile in real life this kind of thing might have you watching the clock. Honestly, what are you supposed to think. Of course you'd start wonder whether the problem is misrepresentation in the media, or if problem is you.

It's time to let it go. There is NOTHING wrong with you. Sexuality is an extremely personal thing, and while there may be some things that people tend to align with overall, it's kind of like ice-cream. There are so many flavors. Some people might be more into vanilla - candles, Sade playing in the background. Others may prefer chocolate chip - handcuffs, blindfolds, glow in the dark massage oil.
Don't get me started on the Karamel Sutra...

Seriously, though. Don't be afraid or ashamed of what turns you on, or what doesn't. You need to connect with yourself and be honest with yourself.
If a math teacher asks a student a complicated question, and after pouring over it for hours the student can't figure out the problem, and they come to the teacher for clarification, imagine what would happen if the teacher turned to the student and said, "Gee. I can't figure that one out either. Oh, well. I guess we both suck at math."
Sounds like a crap ass teacher to me!
This is why you need to learn yourself first. Accept yourself.

Otherwise...you're kind of a like a third grader teaching a calculus class. (And no, you're not a prodigy.)

3. You don't want to hurt his feelings.

Sigh.

Scenario: You were out with some friends. You hadn't planned on meeting anyone that night, but you looked up from over your Cabernet and there he was in all his handsome, sexy glory. You made eye contact and he crossed the room. And smoke machines when off all around, the lights dimmed, soft music started to play as he walked in slow motion...bla bla bla. And so you started dating. And because he was a sexy piece of man, because you liked him, and because you may have hinted and he may have talked the talk, you allowed yourself to fantasize about what the sex might be like.
And then you got into bed with him. And holy shit, did you exaggerate in your mind. Every time you have sex he breaks out a new trick that could go into a What Not To Do manual.
But he's so confident. And you like him so much...

And scene.

That's just one example. There's lots of different ways you can end up trapped in a bad sex situation, where the ball that seems to be weighing down that chain around your ankle is that you're afraid of hurting his feelings.

Remember the car analogy from the last post? Personally, I can work with just about every road block but the car itself. I prefer Cadillacs, and that's just me. But every woman is different, so don't make my priorities your priorities. My advice? Know your bottom line. What is important to you in bed? What isn't? Know your limits. Once you know this, you'll know whether you can stay and work on it, or whether to opt out.

And while we're talking about hurting feelings? Don't be so afraid of hurting someone else's feelings that you compromise yourself and/or lose sight of the bigger picture. A lot of times, when you go against what you really want to say or do to avoid hurting someone's feelings, you may not realize that you're overvaluing your role in their happiness. If you're having sex with someone repeatedly and only pretending to enjoy it, try to see things from their perspective. Do you honestly think having you tell them the truth and then being able to eventually find someone that does enjoy having sex with them is preferable to being stuck with you? Stuck with someone who either does not or cannot truly appreciate what they have to give?

Don't assume there's something wrong with them and you're doing them some kind of favor by pretending. Maybe it's just not a good match. It could easily be that you just don't want the same things in bed, aren't compatible, don't have the chemistry, and that's why you aren't enjoying yourself. Not that they're necessarily bad at i

And that's where we're going to leave it for now. Stop assuming that there's something wrong with him, or something wrong with you, or both, and that lying is the only way to compensate for the imperfections. Whether it's within a committed relationship or not, at the end of the day sex is intimacy and requires honesty and trust from both parties involved for it to be pleasurable for both.

Ideally you would want not to have resorted to faking in the first place.
If after reading Faking It - Part 1 & Part 2 you want to try having a more honest sex life but you're still not sure how to get what you want, make sure you check out next week's post.
Faking It - Part 3 will talk about how to get what you want in bed without making it sound like a criticism.

Hope this was helpful.



x's and many o's

Belle



More posts like this on Belle Rosada's sex blog O School 
For quick tips and bedroom tricks check out Orgasm Control

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